un-love
i am faltering,
falling short,
slowly, systematically,
mechanically,
shutting down.
it’s a progress and a regression
it’s everything i’ve feared
i am not who i was and i’m not who i will be
i’m cemented in purgatory
i’m forever wondering
forever yearning,
wanting, waiting,
throwing my entire weight behind it
her entire weight,
lighter, weaker,
innocent and small,
lovely girl,
she went to war for love
and i’ll give up because she fought too much
she had too much hope
she made too many mistakes
so i’ll stop
i’ll stop for the sake of my ego if not for the sake of my heart
i won’t want
i won’t wait
i’ll sit on my hands and maybe finally be idle,
or handcuff myself to the radiator in my house
or sew my mouth shut with my mother’s needles
or maybe get my father to break my knees
or put my head under the water in my bathroom tub
so that i wont want
i wont wait
i wont wonder and i wont yearn
for my own heart to love me
for my own body to love me
my own blood to love me

freakrenaissance